only after...

it is only after a busy day in the office ends..
only after i've packed my things..
only after we walk silently towards your car..
only after you hold my hand tightly..
only after our lingering kiss goodbye..
only after i see you driving away...
it is only then that i allow the sadness to settle in.
it is only when i let myself feel the emptiness of my soul.
it is only the time i let the tears fall quietly,
wishing on every drop that things were different between us.
but it's not.. and it will never be.

take me away

i am exhausted, and that is still an understatement. i need to be alone for a while and relieve myself of the stress and pressure of work, deal with my inner struggles and muster enough courage to face the consequences of my actions. i wish i could just pack my bags and leave the city for a while. go to the beach maybe, or hide somewhere, i don't care. i just need to get away. can someone take me, please?

calling you mine

i sit here in my usual spot, having my morning coffee and cigarette. i watch the people hurrying to get to work - anxious to start a day of paper-pushing. while i try to enjoy the silence and the loneliness that eventually settles in, i push aside memories of you that come every now and then. it steals a minute or two from my silent reverie, wanting me to remember.. as if remembering you can actually make you mine. well... maybe you are... in my heart, you will always be mine.

daydreaming

this morning, i pretended i was having coffee with you. i imagined you sitting across the table, sharing a moment to express our thoughts. this morning, amidst the noise of early traffic and the street that is slowly coming to life, i imagined seeing you smiling at me. i saw your hand reached out for mine, unmindful of the people around us. you told me how much you miss me, even if i am just inches away. you held my hand, your fingers intertwined with mine. this morning, i imagined we were free and we were together. i closed my eyes to savor the moment and when i opened them again, you were gone. there was no trace of you except for the dull aching i felt inside.

complicated affair

i never meant for this to happen. i never planned to let things get this far. when i entered this affair, i knew where my place was. i had kept my emotions at bay lest i forget reality. it was a game i'm supposed to know how to play. but ever since i started spending more time with him, i find myself losing control.. and so is he.

he broke our silent, mutual agreement. he opened the dam of emotions that's been building inside us that we had no choice but to let it go. everyday, he tells me he misses me when i'm away. everyday, he tells me how much he's wishing i was with him, beside him. everyday, he would go out of his way to show me how much he cares about me. when he holds my hand, i feel that he doesn't want to let me go. when he looks at me, it is with so much longing that it makes me want to forget all else just to be with him.

but i haven't forgotten.. no.. everyday, i am reminded by the ring on his finger that he has a family. everyday, i am reminded by the stories he shares about his children. and everyday, whenever we kiss each other goodbye, i am reminded that he will never be mine.

envy

an overheard telephone conversation..

"i'm still in the office.. but wait for me, ok? i'm just finishing things here.. (pause) i'm not sure how long it will take... (pause) are you sure? it's raining.. do you have an umbrella with you? (pause)......

yes, it was my engineer talking to his wife. i didn't mean to listen, but i was waiting for someone who was waiting for him to finish with his phonecall. i didn't hear the end of it though. i needed a break so i went out to have a smoke and spend some time alone. when i went back, i saw him at the lobby with his things, waiting for the elevator. we were both surprised to see each other that we didn't even talk. i received a text message from him a few minutes after. he said he had to go home to pick up his wife. i felt disappointed...

i wanted what i overheard in that conversation. no, i'm not wishing i was his wife or anything like that. i just wanted the idea of having someone caring for me and worrying about me the way he did with his wife. someone who would drop whatever he was doing so he could keep the promise he made. it's been a while since i last felt genuine concern from anyone. i sulked the rest of the night that i didn't text him back. i suddenly felt the big void that's been hovering my life for the past years. i felt empty and lonely.

the next day, i tried to treat him with nonchalance, willing myself to stay away so as not to cause myself more disappointment. but he suddenly pulled me aside and asked why i didn't text him back the night before. i came up with an acceptable excuse and he smiled with relief. he was worried and thought i was angry with him over something.

maybe there's no need for me to feel envious after all.

making things work

the fiance and i haven't been in good terms lately. i can't remember the last time we ever had a conversation without ending into an argument over something i couldn't recall after.

7 years we've been together. we separated twice and i still found myself going back to him both times. he promised me marriage on several occasions, but it seems the chances of it ever happening is nil. the longer i wait, the harder it becomes for both of us to make this work. i don't want to believe that i made a mistake... i've lived most of my life without regrets, i don't want it happening now.

we have our differences. and for some strange reason, we can't seem to come up with any compromise to make these differences unnoticable. i'm beginning to wonder if we were really meant to spend a lifetime together...

i'm running out of tears.. and he's running out of excuses.

i am tired

since i moved to our main office, i found myself overwhelmed with my new surroundings. i am now dealing with more people and should they decide to pester me with their questions, they can just walk over to my little cubicle and fire away. i would have 2 to 3 people asking me different things at the same time that i am seriously considering giving them numbers and ask them to wait until they are called. i have, after all, spent one year of my employment with this company tucked away in a small unit they called "the warehouse" with only 3 men as my officemates.

for the past three weeks, i have been spending more than 8 hours at work, 6 days a week. i come in before 8am and punch out no earlier than 8pm. i would spend my day entertaining queries on the status of shipments, following-up deliveries, answering emails and doing what my boss would ask me to do. i hardly have the time anymore to surf the net, let alone update my blog. by the time i get home, i would be so exhausted and hungry, with a nagging headache to remind me of the stress that i had just gone through.

but this doesn't come without any consolation. aside from the extra cash i get from doing OT, i also get to spend more time with my engineer (yes, this is about him!). i now see him everyday. though we don't really talk the whole day, we still manage to spend lunch time together with the other guys. when almost everyone's gone home, we'd take a break to have dinner. and when it's time to leave, it has become routine for him to drop me off at galleria where i take my ride home. it's just a five-minute drive from our office, but it is the only time we are actually alone - together.

i don't know how long i can keep my strength in coping with the daily stress of being part of this company, or if being with my engineer can compensate for the exhaustion of having to deal with so many issues and problems that seem to come my way relentlessly. i can only hope and wish things to be better. meanwhile, i need to save energy for the coming weeks.. we'll be moving to another location again!

never again by kelly clarkson

*iris, i know you don't like it when song lyrics are posted in blogs, but i just had to post this! :)

I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you're in bed with her
You think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don't wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all okay

[CHORUS:]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
Don't say you simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together, but alone
You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

[CHORUS:]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
Don't say you simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
Never again

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!

[CHORUS:]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
Don't say you simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
I never will
I never will
Never again

boradise

I miss the long walks on the beach.. the feel of the sand and water. I miss the strong wind blowing against my face... I miss the waves... the men flying.. I miss the hand that held mine.. I miss the arms that kept me warm.. but most of all, I miss the one I couldn't call mine....

almost paradise

She thought that paradise can make him learn to love her.. but paradise wasn't enough. Instead, it was the other way around. She fell in love with paradise and with him.

Half the time she feels he's wishing he were with someone else... but maybe so was she.

no more

I have no more tears to cry for you.
I spent them all the last time you broke my heart.
I wasted my day yesterday just thinking about you,
wondering why I let myself fall for the same lines.

I have no more interest in seeing you again.
I heard your voice this morning and I felt nothing.
I laughed and I joked and I teased,
but if you were sensitive enough, you'd know that they're not real.

I have no more words to say to you.
I said them all when I laid my heart out to you to trample on.
I have no more love to offer you...
I will not give you the power to hurt me again....

No more....
this time, I will let you go.

coffee and cigarette

i found myself smoking early this morning while having coffee. i don't usually have my first cigarette until after eating lunch, but today i was compelled to drag on a stick, hoping it would alleviate the loneliness i was beginning to feel. i think i woke up at the wrong side of the bed.

or maybe it's because i received another text message from the lawyer guy this morning, asking me if i was free to meet him for lunch today. i said no, of course, and he had the nerve to ask me why. or maybe it's the way my youngest sister mercilessly teased me on the way to work about how unpretty i am compared to her and my other sister. sometimes, i just get tired of hearing people say that that i am starting believe it. or maybe it's because i have reports to submit and deadlines to meet and i have not started anything yet. i am blogging away instead... or maybe, just maybe, it's because i am missing something - or someone - and my heart is starting to long for it. *sigh*

this is one of those days when coffee, cigarettes and blogging are not enough to ease the feeling of loneliness and fill the emptiness of my soul...

painting a picture of you

i want to create a picture of you in my head. i want to remember..... how you nudged me when you finally sat beside me in the van. and when i looked at you, you gave me that secret smile. you pretended to talk to A who was seated at the back, while casually stretching your arms so it would rest on my shoulders, and i didn't pull away. it was your first attempt to show me affection in public, and i wanted to savor it. i felt your hand stroking my neck, touching my ears. i had to restrain myself from touching you as well. then you rested your cheek on my right shoulder, while playing with my hair, and you said how glad you are that you were with me. all this, with J and A inside the van too. when we got to the office, i saw how you hesitated to leave when they called you to eat. you looked at me and asked if i weren't coming. if i had not made earlier arrangements, i would have gladly gone with you. you gave me a lingering look, and raised your hand to say goodbye... ah, yes... i want to paint a picture of this day in my head as it may never happen again. i want to remember how, for one day, i felt that it was possible you could love me too...

burning

today, i got the chance to be near you again. and being in the same place with you burns me. it took so much strength to keep myself from reaching out and touch you, knowing that if i do, i may not be able to stop. the longing i have to be with you always has become tangible, that i can now taste your mouth on mine every time i close my eyes. it isn't supposed to be this way. i did not plan to let my emotions free, and yet, here i am, agonizing over the fact that i have not been with you for quite a while. how do i let go now? how did i let myself forget that you could really never be mine?

i got bruises to show, but i survived!

May 16 saw my family and me travel from Manila to Sta. Rosa, Laguna to celebrate Kevin's 9th birthday in Enchanted Kingdom. yep, it was the celebrant's request, so we happily obliged. we all braved the heat at 2:30 pm because we didn't have the right sense to bring an umbrella, unlike my mom, who casually brought out hers and walked with her chin up and a smirk on her face! shheesh!

our first stop was the paintball thingy. we've always wanted to try it out. how hard could it be to shoot at someone, right?? wrong! the shooting itself was effortless.. you just point, close your eyes, pull the trigger and pray you hit someone - or something! but it was the heat that got to us... and the fear of actually getting hit by the paintball! now that was scary. after a few minutes, it was over. my sister, kevin's mom, had a huge bruise on her right elbow! nnngrrr! apparently, she got hit by my fiance, while hiding behind a huge balloon wall! imagine that?? we all went out of the field laughing and exhausted, specially when my mom showed us our picture.. we all looked like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! hahaha!!


next was the flying fiesta... now, i particularly do not have a fear of heights. but heights combined with swinging around while on an angle is a different story! surprisingly though, i did not scream nor let out a single peep.. i just sat there. my eyes and mouth wide open, silently praying that it be over soon. after 2 minutes or so, my prayer was answered and we slowly descended. if flying would be like that, then i'd rather stick to walking, thank you very much!


and now the highlight of the trip... they made me ride the popular space shuttle! my mom literally pushed me to join my siblings and fiance.. the nerve of that woman! had i died that time, it would be on her conscience! hmp! i didn't die, of course. but they saw me white-faced, teary-eyed and with quivering jaws. i think my fiance felt guilty because he looked concerned when he asked me if i wanted to go down? he asks me after the "seatbelts" have been locked??? duh?! no, i didn't go down either. i just sat there, forever cursing at my fiance, and closed my eyes tightly. when the ride started, i started screaming. i held my fiance's hand so hard i think i broke his pinky.. serves him right for forcing me to ride the damn shuttle.. but in less than 1 minute, it was over. unfortunately, i have no pictures to show. no evidence of my bravery, but still, it was an experience i will never forget. i have bruises on both my elbows, probably from trying keep myself upright the whole time. i promised myself that the next time i ride, i would keep my eyes open. what could i possibly see in less than a minute, right?

the rest of the day was spent trying out the other rides. i had to excuse myself from riding Anchor's Away. like i said, i don't like swinging (and i mean that literally.. haha!). we went bump car driving, which wasn't really that much fun for me, and rode the roller skates - which only lasted for 30 seconds i think. and of course, the grand carousel where my mom finally consented into riding. the last we tried was the rio grande. and we all left the amusement park soaking wet!

it was a good day for all of us, specially for kevin, who also braved Anchor's Away... (clap, clap!) now, i'm actually considering spending my 31st birthday in Enchanted Kingdom! :)

lawyer, liar!

my lawyer guy - no, wait.. let me correct that - THE lawyer guy is used to having relationships with married and/or separated women. he lives off their vulnerability, savoring the lavish attention these women bestow him (not to mention the material things he gets from them). he, in turn, makes them feel he's god's answer to their problems. he would make these women believe he loves them, when in reality, he doesn't really know how to love.

after we "separated", he was with a woman whose marriage was falling apart. he didn't really tell me this, but i did find out that she was the reason he decided to leave home and rent a small room somewhere near their place. they were having an affair and it was going to be their tryst. i thought it had ended when i learned he started seeing someone new. but as fate and luck would have it, i just found out that they're back together.

i'm not judging him, because i don't want to be judged either. but knowing what i know now makes me shudder a little. he's living a life full of lies. he would waste his time, effort and little of his money just to make a woman believe that he's telling the truth. it has become a cycle for him - after a year or so with someone, he gets restless and starts looking for a new target. he would then again go through the motions, like a con artist would.

i can't believe how some women would fall for his act - i did once, and it's something i'm not proud of, but lessons must be learned the hard way. he's not even good in bed, for crying out loud! he's an amateur pretending to be a pro.. a con artist indeed. now, i just find myself feeling lucky somehow, that i was able to detach myself from him before i got burned. pity his new conquests... :(

missing you

i am missing you, when i know i'm not supposed to..
..because missing you would mean that i am starting to long for something more than what i have now
..because missing you would mean that i want something i can never have
..because missing you would complicate things, and we both know we don't do complicated
..because missing you would mean that i am more vulnernable now
..because missing you puts me in a place i really do not want to be in
..because missing you allows me to feel what i'm not supposed to
..and because missing you makes me realize how much i really want to be with you.

unbelievable!

his call came as a surprise - the lawyer guy. i'm supposed to be angry with him because he's been holding my badminton racket hostage and ignoring me for the past months. and then the other day, he calls me. when i heard his voice, i literally waited for the tingly sensation i used to get when i talk to him, but it didn't come. but my anger didn't surface either. instead, we talked like we used to. we laughed, made jokes, he even asked me how i was. and then he said misses me and that he wanted to see me. was i free this weekend? if so, then he would bring my racket with him. if it were under normal circumstances, i would have said yes. so i was actually surprised, and proud, when i heard myself saying no.

and then yesterday, i went to my former office in makati and i saw him. again, i waited for the tingly sensation, and it didn't come either. instead, i found myself indifferent. sure, it was nice to see him, but that was it. and i almost laughed out loud when, in the middle of a conversation with my other former officemates, i received a text message from him. he was asking me to meet him at the stairwell of the fire exit - our tryst when we were still fooling around. ha! the audacity!! i walked out of the room and went to chat with another guy. he texted me again and said please... *sigh* i just can't believe he had the effrontery to ask me to meet him there. i didn't, of course, and he ignored me after that.

i left without saying goodbye properly, and i wasn't able to get my racket either! ggrrrr.... i swear, one of these days, this lawyer guy will find himself in court defending himself!

finding comfort in men

if there is anything else i would confess about myself (as if i haven't bared my darkest secrets yet), it's how much i like getting attention. but not the pampering kind though, just enough to make me feel important, somehow. this is one of the reasons i am more comfortable in the company of men than women. i get intimidated by the latter, whereas the former treat me like a "princess", in a weird sort of way.

notice how i am the only female in the picture? (pic unavailable) yep, they are my batchmates in our recent company outing in bora. i could have as well taken off my bathing suit, and you wouldn't notice the difference, right? (oh, yeah.. i'm kinda "gifted" in front, so that'll be a dead give-away! sheesh!) but really, being with these men made the trip much more fun. had i stayed with the women, i would have probably spent most of my time in d' mall, scouring the shops for earrings, bags or other girly stuffs... yyiieeww! hahahaha!

i'm not really sure why, but i do get along with the opposite sex better. i'm almost convinced that i was a guy in my past life. and i do get attracted to women as well! hhhmmm.. could it be that i am........ nah! i enjoy doing the deed with a man. that, i am sure of! hahaha!

sometimes

i feel like giving up on you,
on us.
sometimes
i find myself
breaking into tears at night
after a heated conversation
with you.
sometimes
i just feel so weary,
so helpless
that i start longing
for something
that's not even there.
and sometimes,
the anger i feel is so great
that i begin to lose my hold
on you,
that i begin to pull away
just to relieve myself
of the pain i sometimes feel
when i am with you.

to marry or not to marry

as the months pass, i'm beginning to wonder if it's really a wise decision for me to get married - to him. he's an expert when it comes to lying. he lies to me as if it were a normal thing. i would catch him every time, but since i try to avoid confrontations, i do not deal with it. instead, i let it pass and as a result, all my angsts and frustrations build up inside me. it comes out whenever we get into an argument. i would lash out at him. say things i would regret later on, but not once have i ever retracted any of my statements. we are caught in a vicious cycle - fighting, yelling, screaming, crying.... trying to convince ourselves that we still have enough reasons to make a go of this relationship. i don't think we both have enough courage to say that it's already over. but then again, there's this issue with my relatives, my grandmother to be specific. every time i get to see her, she hounds me with the never-ending question 'WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED??'. and every time, i would just laugh and shrug my shoulders. i think that irritates her, but she couldn't get any definite answer from me.

late last year, he finally decided that he was "ready" to commit and settle down with me. we talked about getting married on May 19, 2007. we actually made an unofficial announcement to everyone we know. and then last March, he changed his mind again and said we should wait until December this year. frustrated as i was, i bargained with him and requested that we do it this August... *sigh* talk about desperate huh?

so what do i do now? should i get married because that's what i want, or just because it's expected of me to do so? i know i have a tendency to cheat even when married, because i have been thinking a lot on how to go about my latest affair once i get hitched. nnggrrr! and then there's him being a liar. could there really be a future for a liar and a cheater?? i guess we'll just wait and see...

analyzing an affair

he went offline without telling me, so i assumed he'll be going on a client-call or something. a few minutes later, i heard a car door slammed. when i looked outside, it was him - my engineer..

for some strange reason, my hands suddenly went cold, my heart started beating faster than normal and i had to stop myself from calling his name. i counted to 20 - no, 30 - before i decided to go down with a toothbrush on my hand as props. and when i saw him, i smiled a little. i feigned nonchalance so as not to make my excitement obvious. i was waiting - anticipating, for that secret look he'd give me whenever we are within range. he talked to me a little, making nonsensical remarks that i almost told him to quit trying to making it casual for both of us. and just when i was about to give up on him, he came to me - pretended to borrow something, and then touched me. i again felt the electricity between us.. i felt the heat, the wanting.. i suddenly remembered the reckless abandon of our first time, and it felt good to know that he still wants me. to know that he sometimes imagine me when he is with his wife delights me (he admitted that much during one of our conversations). to hear him say that it was his first time to experience what i did to him before strokes my ego (well, he may be lying, but i don't really care). and to feel the effect on him of my mere presence excites me. no, i do not boast of being talented when it comes to bed calisthenics. i am only a generous lover and knows how to boost a man's ego.

wait.. before anyone can come up with any conclusion, let it be clear that i do not love him. love is too strong a word to describe what i feel for him. maybe it's just the idea of someone else wanting me, that i am not yesterday's menu or something. that at the age of 30, i can actually make a man cheat on his wife (i know, it's not nice.. respects, respects) and make him come back for more. i daresay that this is not love.

but if anyone knows what this is called, then please tell me how to end it before it's too late.

end of an affair

i am feeling forlorn today - yes, that is the perfect word to describe my current emotion, hence the incessant blogging. for some reason, i am beginning to believe that my latest affair will soon be ending...

my engineer and i do not have a typical affair. it's really nothing serious, but i know that we have "something". i know that he likes spending time with me. he calls me sometimes, while driving, just to talk and laugh with me. he would make arrangements so that i am able to join them for lunch - just me and the boys. when we were in boracay for our company outing, i spent most of my idle time in their room, watching TV with him, talking dirty - telling him what i would do to him if there was any opportunity. he'd look at me in the eye and let out a big sigh. he even dared to ask me if things were going to change once i get married.. i told him he'd know once i cross the bridge. ha! when i send him text messages, he would immediately reply, except maybe when he's at home and within close range of his wife. when he knows that my fiance will be picking me up after work, he would ask me the following day if i "enjoyed" myself, implying that we did the deed. he would send me YM messages just to ask me if i had lunch already or what time i would be going home... basically, ours was a perfect arrangement - not much emotions involved, no strings attached, no expectations..

but lately, things are changing between us. i would text him, and not get a single reply (but i found out that he wasn't answering his wife either because his message inbox was full already). i would send him YM messages, and he would not answer me either, only to be told this morning not to send him messages anymore specially when he's not at his desk. apparently, a nosy officemate saw one of my messages and he is now being teased about it... *sigh* yes, i have every reason to feel forlorn today..

i know that this is not right.. and it's something that really should end. but there's a part of me that wants to hold on and hope that maybe this isn't over yet. sad thing about it is, i used to know where my place is... now, i'm not so sure anymore.

finding my place

i just got back from a much needed R & R in La Union. for the first time in many years, i have experienced doing nothing but sit on a bamboo couch, smoke myself to death, drink ice cold Coke, eat to my heart's content, swim in an unpolluted sea, feel cool wind against my skin, watch the sunset, laugh like there's no tomorrow with my friends and not worry about anything at all. moments like the one i had in la union is definitely priceless. when i grow old and retire from the hustle and bustle of citylife, i would want to live by the sea and feel the rest of my years as it come and go.

i'm beginning to miss the ocean and the almost sedentary lifestyle it offers. now that i am back in manila, i can't help but feel a little desolate. i need to go back soon, before i lose myself again...

sunset

the horizon changes its hues, celebrating the meeting of the sun and the sea. aahh... what i'd give to wake up to the sound of the ocean waves, and to watch the sunset every night. to feel the wind blowing against my face, imagining it was your hand touching my cheeks- and i'd whisper how much i wish you were with me...

if you plan to break my heart

... one of my earlier poems...

If you plan to break my heart
do it now.
Do it swiftly.
Do not give me the chance
to find out
what your plans are.
If you plan to break my heart
do it fast.
Do it with conviction.
Do not feel pity for me
when you finally say the words.
If you plan to break my heart,
then do it now.
Do not wait too long
or make it slow,
because if you do
you just might even
break my soul.

spare me your indifference

hey you... what gives? just the other day, you couldn't stay away from me. now, you're keeping your distance. what the hell did i do this time? am i becoming a nuisance (it would seem that i always end up that way)? am i coming on too strong for you? do you see me now as a temptation you have to resist?

i asked you if you still wanted this, and you said yes. the least you could do is let me know why you're giving me the cold shoulder. i think i deserve that much, not your indifference.

bruised but not broken

in case you're wondering, i am ok now. i do not dwell anymore, i do not worry myself over you. it still hurt, i admit, but not as much. i tell myself that it's not worth the trouble.. you're not worth my tears. i am moving on - slowly, but i know things will be better for me.

if there is one thing i realized during my bouts with loneliness and depression is that all the women you've hurt, all the women who cried over you, have learned to let you go and moved on to have a better life. while you - you just become a part of the past, a lesson learned.. a mistake that will never be made again. it is sad that you have become what you are now, full of pretense and with no guilt.. taking advantage of those who have learned to love you unconditionally, living off their vulnerability.

the way you are now is your curse. i pray that you do not feel all the pain and cry all the tears when you finally find your one true love.

am i bitter? maybe.. i am bruised, but will never be broken.. at least not by you.

assessment

i welcome the silence of my surroundings now, like i welcome the mornings that greet me everyday. it allows me to converse with myself.. a little soliloquy is in order.

i sit here in my neat, little corner, racking my brain just trying to make sense of it all. because for some strange reason, i am now feeling empty and lonely. always, i get to thinking that i am being short-changed by life itself, that i was meant to do something grand, something meaningful, and yet, i get stuck in the middle of somewhere. everything that is happening to me is a vicious cycle, like being caught in a revolving door - wasting my energy on pushing only to find myself at exactly the same place. ah... 30 years, and i still find myself pushing and cursing the same, damned door.

i try not to be hard on myself, though. i still find reasons to pat myself at the back and believe that i have done well, somehow. but i am running out of excuses.. sooner or later, i will have to come to terms with what i have and with what i don't. sooner or later, i will have to face my demons and own up to all the choices i have made - whether wrong or right. sooner or later, i will have to learn how to deal. and sooner or later, i will have to accept who i have become. but until that time comes, i can only wish i was someone better.

irony

in my mind runs a hundred "what ifs" and a thousand more "whys", but knowing deep within there will never be answers. loneliness has become a constant companion, never leaving my side whilst i plunge into an abyss of nothingness... i am barely holding on.

many times i have wished that i be given the strength to walk away from you, to completely erase you from my thoughts so that there is not a single day that i long to be with you again. but everytime i close my eyes, i see you. when a stranger passes by, his cologne reminds me of you. everything i write is about you. there is no place for me to hide from you because you lie deep within the recesses of my memory... you have crawled under my skin and i cannot get rid of you.

this is what you have done to me. i have learned to thrive on the pain. i welcome the grief just as i welcome the gift of eloquence, if you can call this as such. i embrace the loneliness.. and in return, it allows me to express myself in beautiful words so as to mask the bitterness and regret that i actually feel.

if this is the only way that can keep me from falling apart, then so be it. ironic that i have you to thank for...

rules of engagement

i once said that i am too old to play games... that i no longer know the rules... and yet, here i am again... exactly where i was before i declared a truce. i am again trying to learn the rules of engagement... preparing myself for another dangerous battle..

i have too much at stake now.... i simply cannot afford to break down like i did the last time... or better yet, maybe i should give it up altogether before things go out of hand... question is, will i still have the strength to walk away?

waiting after a one night stand

i held my breath as the phone rang... silently praying it was you calling me.. to tell me how much you've missed me.. to tell me you have a few hours to spare so we can be together. i closed my eyes and remembered how good it felt to have you beside me, inside me, all over me... making me feel that i am the only woman you ever wanted. i tried to hold on to that memory... the one night we both gave in to the temptation... the one time we forgot all else and believed it was just you and me....

but it wasn't you on the phone... and i realized that you will never call me again even if you had the time, even if you wanted to... because your family's more important to you.. while i, will be married soon....

undoing

for the first time in weeks, i did not think about you.. i did not brood over the fact that i have not heard from you again. i stopped waiting, anticipating, wishing and hoping that everytime my phone rings, it would be you.. telling me how much you've missed me, or how you have managed to arrange your schedule so you could be with me.. no, you were far from my thoughts.. i kept myself busy so i would not feel the emptiness gnawing at heart... the longing that i have to be wrapped in your arms again.. the aching for another taste of your lips...

.. and then yesterday, i heard your voice... and it was all it took to shatter the wall i built around myself.. like a thief in the night, the memories slowly came... little by little... snippets of our conversations, that one time we gave in to the temptation... that one time i find so difficult to forget.... that one time which has become my undoing..

taking a break

i promised myself i'd go back to boracay without the storm, and that's exactly what i did last week - 3 days, 2 nights. this time, i didn't spend a single cent. it was all for free, from the airfare to the accommodations. it was a vacation treat indeed. i got to stay in one of the best resorts, got to swim in the calm, clear waters and finally saw the famous sunset of boradise.. what else could i ask for? hhhmmm... yes, i did wish i was with irvin, but it wasn't possible this time. i told him we'd go back this year, but he didn't seem interested. maybe he'd change his mind when we get there.

anyway, come end of april, i'd be going to la union with my friends and irvin, of course. talk about taking a break! we'd spend 4 days and 3 nights in my friend's vacation house. it may not be as perfect as boracay's beach, but i'm sure we'll have fun. this will be our first outing for many years, but it's just sad that not everyone will be able to join.

i am now officially a beach lover. well, boracay beach that is. i don't think there is any other place like it. i wish i'd have enough resources to go back as often as i would want to. never mind if i'd stay in some dingy place, as long as i'm in bora baby!

breaking the rules

i am missing you, when i know i shouldn't. i find myself wanting to spend more time with you so i could get to know you better. i am trying, oh god, i am trying so hard to keep my emotions at bay. i wouldn't want to mess things for both of us.. and yet, here i am, constantly thinking about you. there are times when i would suddenly smile when i remember our memories together. this shouldn't be happening. what we have is just an affair that shouldn't go beyond the boundaries. we both know the rules, and once we break one, it will mean the end for both of us.

soliloquy

i hope i could take a few minutes of your time.. a few minutes that you so selfishly deny me because you have wasted it on someone else.. allow me to steal a moment to ask how you are, how's your day, what are your new plans, how she is.. to know if you're happier now or do you find yourself missing me from time to time..what movies have you watched recently without me? i want to take back the days we were together, but in doing so, i realize how i'm not nearly as special or as beautiful as you led me to believe, how i am now part of your old and not as sensational as your new, how gullible and naive i am when with you, and how i have managed to give you the power to hurt me again and again.. i realize how much i long to hear your voice telling me how you almost fell in love with me.. even when i become a burden sometimes with my whining .. as i secretly hope that i get the right to demand a little affection and more of your attention, and that maybe i'm not just one of your girls. i hope to ask you, am i not enough? have i given you more than you can handle or less than what you expected? but in reality, my mind tells me that the problem is not with me, but it's you mistreating me.. and it's your constant state of restlessness that puts me where i am now..i'm getting tired of all the waiting, getting so hopeless with hoping and i'm beginning to wonder if i made this all up, if all the emotions were just imaginary, if once, we were really in paradise and it's your lips that i kissed or your hands that i held.. and why you can't give me what i know i deserve... am i that difficult to love?

on getting hitched

when i was 15 years old, i had wanted to get married at the age of 18. i wanted to have kids so i could grow up with them and be more of a "buddy" than a parent. when i turned 18 years old, i realized that i was only beginning to enjoy my adult life, being in college and all. i decided that marriage can wait for a few more years.

when i turned 24 years old, i felt that i had already gone through everything a woman my age could ever go through. i felt i was ready for marriage and practically asked my boyfriend of one year to marry me. he said no, gave me 10 reasons why he felt we weren't ready yet. i debated with him, gave him one reason why i thought we should - i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. but that didn't change his mind. so i was forced to wait when he would tell me we were ready.

and then i turned 28. i was still with the same guy i had asked to marry 4 years earlier. i was still waiting, hoping, praying that he would finally ask ME the question. we were making plans, discussing issues we had that we wanted to resolve first before making the big plunge. but we were not able to come up with a resolution, and no proposal came either. the waiting took its toll on me that i decided to leave him. i wanted to find out for myself if i had other options besides him. after a few months, and a failed "relationship" with another guy, i eventually sought him out again and asked for a reconciliation. he obliged and promised me we'd get married soon. i waited and held on to that promise.. but it still never came. so for the second time that year, we went our separate ways. i wanted him to realize if he really wanted me in his life.

at the age of 29, i was getting frustrated. a few months of separation from him gave me no comfort. i still wanted to be with him. so, we got back together. this time, he held my face and sincerely proclaimed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me too, and that if i was willing to wait a little more, our dream will finally come true. he asked that i give him time to sort things out. he just got "promoted", so that entailed additional work. he again promised me a marriage soon.

and now, i am 30 years old, still unmarried, still waiting. i am still holding on to that promise but i am beginning to wonder if i am really meant to be a wife? i have a restless soul, constantly searching for something to quench the thirst. there are times when i'll look at him and feel that he is the only one i want to be with. but then again, there are times when i find myself longing to be with someone else.

could it be that i am destined to be single all my life? maybe i should give up the idea of settling. or maybe, i just haven't met the right man to spend eternity with...

insecurity

another one from my Soliloquies blog..written for the lawyer...

it's sad to know that i am someone who cannot spend time with friends because he will be there with another woman, or in this case, he will be with her. it's pathetic, really, that i am forced to stay away from people we have grown close to just to avoid issues. am i really that much of a nuisance? i used to think that these women are just insecure because i get to be with their guy during times when they're supposed to be with him.. but at the end of the day, he comes back to them, and he leaves me wondering when will be the next time.

my only consolation in all the times i got to spend with him was that he went the extra mile to lie. he made up lame excuses just so he can be with me. he pretended that everything was ok so i would not think he's being controlled by someone. i don't think he can do that now with her, not that he would want to.. but it's funny how these women believed his excuses and forgave him everytime.. and what's even funnier is that i used to be one of them. to make it worst, i still chose to be with him when he got tired of his latest affair. so what does that make me?

enjoying the pain

this was written last year and posted in my Soliloquies blog..

aaarrrrgggghhhhh... is it just me or do i really enjoy pain? the kind that disappears for a while, convincing you that you're ok, and then it comes again when you least expect it, making you feel more miserable than you had before. if only someone would offer me now to erase everything from my memory, forget everyone that i've come to know, and live my life again, i would accept it in a heartbeat. if it would mean living without the tears and the pain.

this is not about him anymore, or anyone for that matter. this is about me and loneliness finally taking its toll on me. i thought i could be alone and still feel contented, happy.. but i am always missing something.

liar. cheater. loser.

forgive me, father, for i have sinned...

i had an affair with a married man when i was 22 years old. no, it wasn't really an affair, it was more of a one night stand that had a sequel. he was a co-worker in my first job. an architect. what started as harmless flirting, turned into something uncontrollable that we eventually gave in to the call of nature. but the affair ended as quickly as it began. he said he couldn't cheat on his wife. he loves her too much, he said (or afraid of her was more like it). so it ended. and my world stopped for a while. i had let my emotions get the better of me. i cried. i hurt. i wrote him letters to tell him how i have fallen for him. but he turned deaf and blind while i became numb. the pain went away. i left the company and moved on.

and then i met a man in another company i worked for. a lawyer. during this time, i was in a relationship and so was he.. and not just one. so when his girlfriend found out about his extra-curricular affairs, she declared war. and i was her ally, or so she thought. one time, she decided to talk to him to finish whatever it was that needed to be finished. her chosen venue? anito motel in pasay. arrangements were made. he was going to meet us there after his night classes. so off we went to anito. 2 ladies in a cab, entered a motel, much to the delight of the cab driver (i'm pretty sure he was imagining things as he was driving). but unbeknownst to the girl, the lawyer and i made earlier plans already. after all the drama, i convinced her to leave him in the motel room and insisted that we go home. when i saw her get on the bus, i returned to anito to finish what the lawyer and i started. talk about sneaky. this affair went on for a while. we'd have trysts in the stairwell and i'd go back to my area dishevelled and with swollen, red lips (by this time, i had ended my 5-year relationship with another guy who can't seem to make himself marry me.. but that's another story). and because this lawyer had a reputation for being a classic commitment-phobic bachelor, i took it upon myself to change his ways. i thought i had the power to make him love me the way i was already learning to love him. but as fate would have it, i only ended with a bruised, but not broken, heart. i cried. i hurt. i wrote him emails and sent him text messages to tell him how much i wished he was mine. and he never did pay me any attention. i eventually left my job, but still managed to see him once in a while. we were even together in boracay. and then he called me one day to tell me that he was seeing someone else. that was the end of it.

i now have a new employer and in less than a year, i have managed to get myself into another illicit affair. he's an engineer and a married man, no less! it started with an email conversation, and ended in a room with an X-Men theme. what was supposed to be a one night stand turned out to have more sequels than i expected, and it's not showing signs of ending anytime soon. but now, i know better. for the first time in my adult life, i have managed to disassociate my emotions from my body. i know where my place is and i intend to stay put. we both have so much to lose - his family, and my fiance, and this affair will not compensate for the would-be loss should we let our emotions get the better of us. i think i have learned a thing or two from my past indiscretions.

so what do these affairs make me? i am a liar. i am a cheater. i am a loser. but i still believe i will live the rest of my life without regrets and without ever asking "what if?".

missing

today, i am feeling unusually unhappy. i say it's unusual because i always do find things to laugh about. but not today.

i went to mocha blends this afternoon to spend sometime alone. i had coffee and tried to read the book i brought with me. inside was a group of adults having their lunch and discussing things only they could understand. and then i realized what may be the cause of my unhappiness today.

conversation. as in real, lengthy dialogue with someone who has the same brainwaves as i do. i suddenly missed my friends and the way we'd laugh together, unmindful of the ruckus we were creating. i think i need to get in touch with them again. maybe they can fill the void.

introduction

i am imay. 30 years old, single, still living with my parents. i am the eldest of 4 siblings. i am an artist by profession, but has chosen a different career (if you can call it as such). i have an abnormal fear of lizards and mascots and will probably die if hugged by one of the latter (i particulary dislike grimace.. nggrrr!!). i love dark chocolates. i like starbucks' caramel macchiato. i am a voracious reader, a frustrated writer (as you will soon find out), a good dancer. i am a bag-hag, addicted to online shopping and the finer things in life. i believe myself to be optimistic, always having a positive attitude. i can be bitter, but i can be sweet too. i easily forgive, but forgetting is another story. i have been there, i have done that.. and will do it again with the right temptation. i am generally a happy person. i laugh with all my might, and cry with all my heart. i make friends easily, but gets intimated a lot.

i lie. i cheat. i love. i hate. i am human.