envy

an overheard telephone conversation..

"i'm still in the office.. but wait for me, ok? i'm just finishing things here.. (pause) i'm not sure how long it will take... (pause) are you sure? it's raining.. do you have an umbrella with you? (pause)......

yes, it was my engineer talking to his wife. i didn't mean to listen, but i was waiting for someone who was waiting for him to finish with his phonecall. i didn't hear the end of it though. i needed a break so i went out to have a smoke and spend some time alone. when i went back, i saw him at the lobby with his things, waiting for the elevator. we were both surprised to see each other that we didn't even talk. i received a text message from him a few minutes after. he said he had to go home to pick up his wife. i felt disappointed...

i wanted what i overheard in that conversation. no, i'm not wishing i was his wife or anything like that. i just wanted the idea of having someone caring for me and worrying about me the way he did with his wife. someone who would drop whatever he was doing so he could keep the promise he made. it's been a while since i last felt genuine concern from anyone. i sulked the rest of the night that i didn't text him back. i suddenly felt the big void that's been hovering my life for the past years. i felt empty and lonely.

the next day, i tried to treat him with nonchalance, willing myself to stay away so as not to cause myself more disappointment. but he suddenly pulled me aside and asked why i didn't text him back the night before. i came up with an acceptable excuse and he smiled with relief. he was worried and thought i was angry with him over something.

maybe there's no need for me to feel envious after all.

making things work

the fiance and i haven't been in good terms lately. i can't remember the last time we ever had a conversation without ending into an argument over something i couldn't recall after.

7 years we've been together. we separated twice and i still found myself going back to him both times. he promised me marriage on several occasions, but it seems the chances of it ever happening is nil. the longer i wait, the harder it becomes for both of us to make this work. i don't want to believe that i made a mistake... i've lived most of my life without regrets, i don't want it happening now.

we have our differences. and for some strange reason, we can't seem to come up with any compromise to make these differences unnoticable. i'm beginning to wonder if we were really meant to spend a lifetime together...

i'm running out of tears.. and he's running out of excuses.

i am tired

since i moved to our main office, i found myself overwhelmed with my new surroundings. i am now dealing with more people and should they decide to pester me with their questions, they can just walk over to my little cubicle and fire away. i would have 2 to 3 people asking me different things at the same time that i am seriously considering giving them numbers and ask them to wait until they are called. i have, after all, spent one year of my employment with this company tucked away in a small unit they called "the warehouse" with only 3 men as my officemates.

for the past three weeks, i have been spending more than 8 hours at work, 6 days a week. i come in before 8am and punch out no earlier than 8pm. i would spend my day entertaining queries on the status of shipments, following-up deliveries, answering emails and doing what my boss would ask me to do. i hardly have the time anymore to surf the net, let alone update my blog. by the time i get home, i would be so exhausted and hungry, with a nagging headache to remind me of the stress that i had just gone through.

but this doesn't come without any consolation. aside from the extra cash i get from doing OT, i also get to spend more time with my engineer (yes, this is about him!). i now see him everyday. though we don't really talk the whole day, we still manage to spend lunch time together with the other guys. when almost everyone's gone home, we'd take a break to have dinner. and when it's time to leave, it has become routine for him to drop me off at galleria where i take my ride home. it's just a five-minute drive from our office, but it is the only time we are actually alone - together.

i don't know how long i can keep my strength in coping with the daily stress of being part of this company, or if being with my engineer can compensate for the exhaustion of having to deal with so many issues and problems that seem to come my way relentlessly. i can only hope and wish things to be better. meanwhile, i need to save energy for the coming weeks.. we'll be moving to another location again!