... one of my earlier poems...
If you plan to break my heart
do it now.
Do it swiftly.
Do not give me the chance
to find out
what your plans are.
If you plan to break my heart
do it fast.
Do it with conviction.
Do not feel pity for me
when you finally say the words.
If you plan to break my heart,
then do it now.
Do not wait too long
or make it slow,
because if you do
you just might even
break my soul.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
spare me your indifference
hey you... what gives? just the other day, you couldn't stay away from me. now, you're keeping your distance. what the hell did i do this time? am i becoming a nuisance (it would seem that i always end up that way)? am i coming on too strong for you? do you see me now as a temptation you have to resist?
i asked you if you still wanted this, and you said yes. the least you could do is let me know why you're giving me the cold shoulder. i think i deserve that much, not your indifference.
i asked you if you still wanted this, and you said yes. the least you could do is let me know why you're giving me the cold shoulder. i think i deserve that much, not your indifference.
bruised but not broken
in case you're wondering, i am ok now. i do not dwell anymore, i do not worry myself over you. it still hurt, i admit, but not as much. i tell myself that it's not worth the trouble.. you're not worth my tears. i am moving on - slowly, but i know things will be better for me.
if there is one thing i realized during my bouts with loneliness and depression is that all the women you've hurt, all the women who cried over you, have learned to let you go and moved on to have a better life. while you - you just become a part of the past, a lesson learned.. a mistake that will never be made again. it is sad that you have become what you are now, full of pretense and with no guilt.. taking advantage of those who have learned to love you unconditionally, living off their vulnerability.
the way you are now is your curse. i pray that you do not feel all the pain and cry all the tears when you finally find your one true love.
am i bitter? maybe.. i am bruised, but will never be broken.. at least not by you.
if there is one thing i realized during my bouts with loneliness and depression is that all the women you've hurt, all the women who cried over you, have learned to let you go and moved on to have a better life. while you - you just become a part of the past, a lesson learned.. a mistake that will never be made again. it is sad that you have become what you are now, full of pretense and with no guilt.. taking advantage of those who have learned to love you unconditionally, living off their vulnerability.
the way you are now is your curse. i pray that you do not feel all the pain and cry all the tears when you finally find your one true love.
am i bitter? maybe.. i am bruised, but will never be broken.. at least not by you.
assessment
i welcome the silence of my surroundings now, like i welcome the mornings that greet me everyday. it allows me to converse with myself.. a little soliloquy is in order.
i sit here in my neat, little corner, racking my brain just trying to make sense of it all. because for some strange reason, i am now feeling empty and lonely. always, i get to thinking that i am being short-changed by life itself, that i was meant to do something grand, something meaningful, and yet, i get stuck in the middle of somewhere. everything that is happening to me is a vicious cycle, like being caught in a revolving door - wasting my energy on pushing only to find myself at exactly the same place. ah... 30 years, and i still find myself pushing and cursing the same, damned door.
i try not to be hard on myself, though. i still find reasons to pat myself at the back and believe that i have done well, somehow. but i am running out of excuses.. sooner or later, i will have to come to terms with what i have and with what i don't. sooner or later, i will have to face my demons and own up to all the choices i have made - whether wrong or right. sooner or later, i will have to learn how to deal. and sooner or later, i will have to accept who i have become. but until that time comes, i can only wish i was someone better.
i sit here in my neat, little corner, racking my brain just trying to make sense of it all. because for some strange reason, i am now feeling empty and lonely. always, i get to thinking that i am being short-changed by life itself, that i was meant to do something grand, something meaningful, and yet, i get stuck in the middle of somewhere. everything that is happening to me is a vicious cycle, like being caught in a revolving door - wasting my energy on pushing only to find myself at exactly the same place. ah... 30 years, and i still find myself pushing and cursing the same, damned door.
i try not to be hard on myself, though. i still find reasons to pat myself at the back and believe that i have done well, somehow. but i am running out of excuses.. sooner or later, i will have to come to terms with what i have and with what i don't. sooner or later, i will have to face my demons and own up to all the choices i have made - whether wrong or right. sooner or later, i will have to learn how to deal. and sooner or later, i will have to accept who i have become. but until that time comes, i can only wish i was someone better.
irony
in my mind runs a hundred "what ifs" and a thousand more "whys", but knowing deep within there will never be answers. loneliness has become a constant companion, never leaving my side whilst i plunge into an abyss of nothingness... i am barely holding on.
many times i have wished that i be given the strength to walk away from you, to completely erase you from my thoughts so that there is not a single day that i long to be with you again. but everytime i close my eyes, i see you. when a stranger passes by, his cologne reminds me of you. everything i write is about you. there is no place for me to hide from you because you lie deep within the recesses of my memory... you have crawled under my skin and i cannot get rid of you.
this is what you have done to me. i have learned to thrive on the pain. i welcome the grief just as i welcome the gift of eloquence, if you can call this as such. i embrace the loneliness.. and in return, it allows me to express myself in beautiful words so as to mask the bitterness and regret that i actually feel.
if this is the only way that can keep me from falling apart, then so be it. ironic that i have you to thank for...
many times i have wished that i be given the strength to walk away from you, to completely erase you from my thoughts so that there is not a single day that i long to be with you again. but everytime i close my eyes, i see you. when a stranger passes by, his cologne reminds me of you. everything i write is about you. there is no place for me to hide from you because you lie deep within the recesses of my memory... you have crawled under my skin and i cannot get rid of you.
this is what you have done to me. i have learned to thrive on the pain. i welcome the grief just as i welcome the gift of eloquence, if you can call this as such. i embrace the loneliness.. and in return, it allows me to express myself in beautiful words so as to mask the bitterness and regret that i actually feel.
if this is the only way that can keep me from falling apart, then so be it. ironic that i have you to thank for...
rules of engagement
i once said that i am too old to play games... that i no longer know the rules... and yet, here i am again... exactly where i was before i declared a truce. i am again trying to learn the rules of engagement... preparing myself for another dangerous battle..
i have too much at stake now.... i simply cannot afford to break down like i did the last time... or better yet, maybe i should give it up altogether before things go out of hand... question is, will i still have the strength to walk away?
i have too much at stake now.... i simply cannot afford to break down like i did the last time... or better yet, maybe i should give it up altogether before things go out of hand... question is, will i still have the strength to walk away?
waiting after a one night stand
i held my breath as the phone rang... silently praying it was you calling me.. to tell me how much you've missed me.. to tell me you have a few hours to spare so we can be together. i closed my eyes and remembered how good it felt to have you beside me, inside me, all over me... making me feel that i am the only woman you ever wanted. i tried to hold on to that memory... the one night we both gave in to the temptation... the one time we forgot all else and believed it was just you and me....
but it wasn't you on the phone... and i realized that you will never call me again even if you had the time, even if you wanted to... because your family's more important to you.. while i, will be married soon....
but it wasn't you on the phone... and i realized that you will never call me again even if you had the time, even if you wanted to... because your family's more important to you.. while i, will be married soon....
undoing
for the first time in weeks, i did not think about you.. i did not brood over the fact that i have not heard from you again. i stopped waiting, anticipating, wishing and hoping that everytime my phone rings, it would be you.. telling me how much you've missed me, or how you have managed to arrange your schedule so you could be with me.. no, you were far from my thoughts.. i kept myself busy so i would not feel the emptiness gnawing at heart... the longing that i have to be wrapped in your arms again.. the aching for another taste of your lips...
.. and then yesterday, i heard your voice... and it was all it took to shatter the wall i built around myself.. like a thief in the night, the memories slowly came... little by little... snippets of our conversations, that one time we gave in to the temptation... that one time i find so difficult to forget.... that one time which has become my undoing..
.. and then yesterday, i heard your voice... and it was all it took to shatter the wall i built around myself.. like a thief in the night, the memories slowly came... little by little... snippets of our conversations, that one time we gave in to the temptation... that one time i find so difficult to forget.... that one time which has become my undoing..
Monday, April 23, 2007
taking a break
i promised myself i'd go back to boracay without the storm, and that's exactly what i did last week - 3 days, 2 nights. this time, i didn't spend a single cent. it was all for free, from the airfare to the accommodations. it was a vacation treat indeed. i got to stay in one of the best resorts, got to swim in the calm, clear waters and finally saw the famous sunset of boradise.. what else could i ask for? hhhmmm... yes, i did wish i was with irvin, but it wasn't possible this time. i told him we'd go back this year, but he didn't seem interested. maybe he'd change his mind when we get there.
anyway, come end of april, i'd be going to la union with my friends and irvin, of course. talk about taking a break! we'd spend 4 days and 3 nights in my friend's vacation house. it may not be as perfect as boracay's beach, but i'm sure we'll have fun. this will be our first outing for many years, but it's just sad that not everyone will be able to join.
i am now officially a beach lover. well, boracay beach that is. i don't think there is any other place like it. i wish i'd have enough resources to go back as often as i would want to. never mind if i'd stay in some dingy place, as long as i'm in bora baby!
anyway, come end of april, i'd be going to la union with my friends and irvin, of course. talk about taking a break! we'd spend 4 days and 3 nights in my friend's vacation house. it may not be as perfect as boracay's beach, but i'm sure we'll have fun. this will be our first outing for many years, but it's just sad that not everyone will be able to join.
i am now officially a beach lover. well, boracay beach that is. i don't think there is any other place like it. i wish i'd have enough resources to go back as often as i would want to. never mind if i'd stay in some dingy place, as long as i'm in bora baby!
breaking the rules
i am missing you, when i know i shouldn't. i find myself wanting to spend more time with you so i could get to know you better. i am trying, oh god, i am trying so hard to keep my emotions at bay. i wouldn't want to mess things for both of us.. and yet, here i am, constantly thinking about you. there are times when i would suddenly smile when i remember our memories together. this shouldn't be happening. what we have is just an affair that shouldn't go beyond the boundaries. we both know the rules, and once we break one, it will mean the end for both of us.
soliloquy
i hope i could take a few minutes of your time.. a few minutes that you so selfishly deny me because you have wasted it on someone else.. allow me to steal a moment to ask how you are, how's your day, what are your new plans, how she is.. to know if you're happier now or do you find yourself missing me from time to time..what movies have you watched recently without me? i want to take back the days we were together, but in doing so, i realize how i'm not nearly as special or as beautiful as you led me to believe, how i am now part of your old and not as sensational as your new, how gullible and naive i am when with you, and how i have managed to give you the power to hurt me again and again.. i realize how much i long to hear your voice telling me how you almost fell in love with me.. even when i become a burden sometimes with my whining .. as i secretly hope that i get the right to demand a little affection and more of your attention, and that maybe i'm not just one of your girls. i hope to ask you, am i not enough? have i given you more than you can handle or less than what you expected? but in reality, my mind tells me that the problem is not with me, but it's you mistreating me.. and it's your constant state of restlessness that puts me where i am now..i'm getting tired of all the waiting, getting so hopeless with hoping and i'm beginning to wonder if i made this all up, if all the emotions were just imaginary, if once, we were really in paradise and it's your lips that i kissed or your hands that i held.. and why you can't give me what i know i deserve... am i that difficult to love?
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
on getting hitched
when i was 15 years old, i had wanted to get married at the age of 18. i wanted to have kids so i could grow up with them and be more of a "buddy" than a parent. when i turned 18 years old, i realized that i was only beginning to enjoy my adult life, being in college and all. i decided that marriage can wait for a few more years.
when i turned 24 years old, i felt that i had already gone through everything a woman my age could ever go through. i felt i was ready for marriage and practically asked my boyfriend of one year to marry me. he said no, gave me 10 reasons why he felt we weren't ready yet. i debated with him, gave him one reason why i thought we should - i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. but that didn't change his mind. so i was forced to wait when he would tell me we were ready.
and then i turned 28. i was still with the same guy i had asked to marry 4 years earlier. i was still waiting, hoping, praying that he would finally ask ME the question. we were making plans, discussing issues we had that we wanted to resolve first before making the big plunge. but we were not able to come up with a resolution, and no proposal came either. the waiting took its toll on me that i decided to leave him. i wanted to find out for myself if i had other options besides him. after a few months, and a failed "relationship" with another guy, i eventually sought him out again and asked for a reconciliation. he obliged and promised me we'd get married soon. i waited and held on to that promise.. but it still never came. so for the second time that year, we went our separate ways. i wanted him to realize if he really wanted me in his life.
at the age of 29, i was getting frustrated. a few months of separation from him gave me no comfort. i still wanted to be with him. so, we got back together. this time, he held my face and sincerely proclaimed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me too, and that if i was willing to wait a little more, our dream will finally come true. he asked that i give him time to sort things out. he just got "promoted", so that entailed additional work. he again promised me a marriage soon.
and now, i am 30 years old, still unmarried, still waiting. i am still holding on to that promise but i am beginning to wonder if i am really meant to be a wife? i have a restless soul, constantly searching for something to quench the thirst. there are times when i'll look at him and feel that he is the only one i want to be with. but then again, there are times when i find myself longing to be with someone else.
could it be that i am destined to be single all my life? maybe i should give up the idea of settling. or maybe, i just haven't met the right man to spend eternity with...
when i turned 24 years old, i felt that i had already gone through everything a woman my age could ever go through. i felt i was ready for marriage and practically asked my boyfriend of one year to marry me. he said no, gave me 10 reasons why he felt we weren't ready yet. i debated with him, gave him one reason why i thought we should - i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. but that didn't change his mind. so i was forced to wait when he would tell me we were ready.
and then i turned 28. i was still with the same guy i had asked to marry 4 years earlier. i was still waiting, hoping, praying that he would finally ask ME the question. we were making plans, discussing issues we had that we wanted to resolve first before making the big plunge. but we were not able to come up with a resolution, and no proposal came either. the waiting took its toll on me that i decided to leave him. i wanted to find out for myself if i had other options besides him. after a few months, and a failed "relationship" with another guy, i eventually sought him out again and asked for a reconciliation. he obliged and promised me we'd get married soon. i waited and held on to that promise.. but it still never came. so for the second time that year, we went our separate ways. i wanted him to realize if he really wanted me in his life.
at the age of 29, i was getting frustrated. a few months of separation from him gave me no comfort. i still wanted to be with him. so, we got back together. this time, he held my face and sincerely proclaimed that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me too, and that if i was willing to wait a little more, our dream will finally come true. he asked that i give him time to sort things out. he just got "promoted", so that entailed additional work. he again promised me a marriage soon.
and now, i am 30 years old, still unmarried, still waiting. i am still holding on to that promise but i am beginning to wonder if i am really meant to be a wife? i have a restless soul, constantly searching for something to quench the thirst. there are times when i'll look at him and feel that he is the only one i want to be with. but then again, there are times when i find myself longing to be with someone else.
could it be that i am destined to be single all my life? maybe i should give up the idea of settling. or maybe, i just haven't met the right man to spend eternity with...
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
insecurity
another one from my Soliloquies blog..written for the lawyer...
it's sad to know that i am someone who cannot spend time with friends because he will be there with another woman, or in this case, he will be with her. it's pathetic, really, that i am forced to stay away from people we have grown close to just to avoid issues. am i really that much of a nuisance? i used to think that these women are just insecure because i get to be with their guy during times when they're supposed to be with him.. but at the end of the day, he comes back to them, and he leaves me wondering when will be the next time.
my only consolation in all the times i got to spend with him was that he went the extra mile to lie. he made up lame excuses just so he can be with me. he pretended that everything was ok so i would not think he's being controlled by someone. i don't think he can do that now with her, not that he would want to.. but it's funny how these women believed his excuses and forgave him everytime.. and what's even funnier is that i used to be one of them. to make it worst, i still chose to be with him when he got tired of his latest affair. so what does that make me?
my only consolation in all the times i got to spend with him was that he went the extra mile to lie. he made up lame excuses just so he can be with me. he pretended that everything was ok so i would not think he's being controlled by someone. i don't think he can do that now with her, not that he would want to.. but it's funny how these women believed his excuses and forgave him everytime.. and what's even funnier is that i used to be one of them. to make it worst, i still chose to be with him when he got tired of his latest affair. so what does that make me?
enjoying the pain
this was written last year and posted in my Soliloquies blog..
aaarrrrgggghhhhh... is it just me or do i really enjoy pain? the kind that disappears for a while, convincing you that you're ok, and then it comes again when you least expect it, making you feel more miserable than you had before. if only someone would offer me now to erase everything from my memory, forget everyone that i've come to know, and live my life again, i would accept it in a heartbeat. if it would mean living without the tears and the pain.
this is not about him anymore, or anyone for that matter. this is about me and loneliness finally taking its toll on me. i thought i could be alone and still feel contented, happy.. but i am always missing something.
aaarrrrgggghhhhh... is it just me or do i really enjoy pain? the kind that disappears for a while, convincing you that you're ok, and then it comes again when you least expect it, making you feel more miserable than you had before. if only someone would offer me now to erase everything from my memory, forget everyone that i've come to know, and live my life again, i would accept it in a heartbeat. if it would mean living without the tears and the pain.
this is not about him anymore, or anyone for that matter. this is about me and loneliness finally taking its toll on me. i thought i could be alone and still feel contented, happy.. but i am always missing something.
liar. cheater. loser.
forgive me, father, for i have sinned...
i had an affair with a married man when i was 22 years old. no, it wasn't really an affair, it was more of a one night stand that had a sequel. he was a co-worker in my first job. an architect. what started as harmless flirting, turned into something uncontrollable that we eventually gave in to the call of nature. but the affair ended as quickly as it began. he said he couldn't cheat on his wife. he loves her too much, he said (or afraid of her was more like it). so it ended. and my world stopped for a while. i had let my emotions get the better of me. i cried. i hurt. i wrote him letters to tell him how i have fallen for him. but he turned deaf and blind while i became numb. the pain went away. i left the company and moved on.
and then i met a man in another company i worked for. a lawyer. during this time, i was in a relationship and so was he.. and not just one. so when his girlfriend found out about his extra-curricular affairs, she declared war. and i was her ally, or so she thought. one time, she decided to talk to him to finish whatever it was that needed to be finished. her chosen venue? anito motel in pasay. arrangements were made. he was going to meet us there after his night classes. so off we went to anito. 2 ladies in a cab, entered a motel, much to the delight of the cab driver (i'm pretty sure he was imagining things as he was driving). but unbeknownst to the girl, the lawyer and i made earlier plans already. after all the drama, i convinced her to leave him in the motel room and insisted that we go home. when i saw her get on the bus, i returned to anito to finish what the lawyer and i started. talk about sneaky. this affair went on for a while. we'd have trysts in the stairwell and i'd go back to my area dishevelled and with swollen, red lips (by this time, i had ended my 5-year relationship with another guy who can't seem to make himself marry me.. but that's another story). and because this lawyer had a reputation for being a classic commitment-phobic bachelor, i took it upon myself to change his ways. i thought i had the power to make him love me the way i was already learning to love him. but as fate would have it, i only ended with a bruised, but not broken, heart. i cried. i hurt. i wrote him emails and sent him text messages to tell him how much i wished he was mine. and he never did pay me any attention. i eventually left my job, but still managed to see him once in a while. we were even together in boracay. and then he called me one day to tell me that he was seeing someone else. that was the end of it.
i now have a new employer and in less than a year, i have managed to get myself into another illicit affair. he's an engineer and a married man, no less! it started with an email conversation, and ended in a room with an X-Men theme. what was supposed to be a one night stand turned out to have more sequels than i expected, and it's not showing signs of ending anytime soon. but now, i know better. for the first time in my adult life, i have managed to disassociate my emotions from my body. i know where my place is and i intend to stay put. we both have so much to lose - his family, and my fiance, and this affair will not compensate for the would-be loss should we let our emotions get the better of us. i think i have learned a thing or two from my past indiscretions.
so what do these affairs make me? i am a liar. i am a cheater. i am a loser. but i still believe i will live the rest of my life without regrets and without ever asking "what if?".
i had an affair with a married man when i was 22 years old. no, it wasn't really an affair, it was more of a one night stand that had a sequel. he was a co-worker in my first job. an architect. what started as harmless flirting, turned into something uncontrollable that we eventually gave in to the call of nature. but the affair ended as quickly as it began. he said he couldn't cheat on his wife. he loves her too much, he said (or afraid of her was more like it). so it ended. and my world stopped for a while. i had let my emotions get the better of me. i cried. i hurt. i wrote him letters to tell him how i have fallen for him. but he turned deaf and blind while i became numb. the pain went away. i left the company and moved on.
and then i met a man in another company i worked for. a lawyer. during this time, i was in a relationship and so was he.. and not just one. so when his girlfriend found out about his extra-curricular affairs, she declared war. and i was her ally, or so she thought. one time, she decided to talk to him to finish whatever it was that needed to be finished. her chosen venue? anito motel in pasay. arrangements were made. he was going to meet us there after his night classes. so off we went to anito. 2 ladies in a cab, entered a motel, much to the delight of the cab driver (i'm pretty sure he was imagining things as he was driving). but unbeknownst to the girl, the lawyer and i made earlier plans already. after all the drama, i convinced her to leave him in the motel room and insisted that we go home. when i saw her get on the bus, i returned to anito to finish what the lawyer and i started. talk about sneaky. this affair went on for a while. we'd have trysts in the stairwell and i'd go back to my area dishevelled and with swollen, red lips (by this time, i had ended my 5-year relationship with another guy who can't seem to make himself marry me.. but that's another story). and because this lawyer had a reputation for being a classic commitment-phobic bachelor, i took it upon myself to change his ways. i thought i had the power to make him love me the way i was already learning to love him. but as fate would have it, i only ended with a bruised, but not broken, heart. i cried. i hurt. i wrote him emails and sent him text messages to tell him how much i wished he was mine. and he never did pay me any attention. i eventually left my job, but still managed to see him once in a while. we were even together in boracay. and then he called me one day to tell me that he was seeing someone else. that was the end of it.
i now have a new employer and in less than a year, i have managed to get myself into another illicit affair. he's an engineer and a married man, no less! it started with an email conversation, and ended in a room with an X-Men theme. what was supposed to be a one night stand turned out to have more sequels than i expected, and it's not showing signs of ending anytime soon. but now, i know better. for the first time in my adult life, i have managed to disassociate my emotions from my body. i know where my place is and i intend to stay put. we both have so much to lose - his family, and my fiance, and this affair will not compensate for the would-be loss should we let our emotions get the better of us. i think i have learned a thing or two from my past indiscretions.
so what do these affairs make me? i am a liar. i am a cheater. i am a loser. but i still believe i will live the rest of my life without regrets and without ever asking "what if?".
missing
today, i am feeling unusually unhappy. i say it's unusual because i always do find things to laugh about. but not today.
i went to mocha blends this afternoon to spend sometime alone. i had coffee and tried to read the book i brought with me. inside was a group of adults having their lunch and discussing things only they could understand. and then i realized what may be the cause of my unhappiness today.
conversation. as in real, lengthy dialogue with someone who has the same brainwaves as i do. i suddenly missed my friends and the way we'd laugh together, unmindful of the ruckus we were creating. i think i need to get in touch with them again. maybe they can fill the void.
i went to mocha blends this afternoon to spend sometime alone. i had coffee and tried to read the book i brought with me. inside was a group of adults having their lunch and discussing things only they could understand. and then i realized what may be the cause of my unhappiness today.
conversation. as in real, lengthy dialogue with someone who has the same brainwaves as i do. i suddenly missed my friends and the way we'd laugh together, unmindful of the ruckus we were creating. i think i need to get in touch with them again. maybe they can fill the void.
introduction
i am imay. 30 years old, single, still living with my parents. i am the eldest of 4 siblings. i am an artist by profession, but has chosen a different career (if you can call it as such). i have an abnormal fear of lizards and mascots and will probably die if hugged by one of the latter (i particulary dislike grimace.. nggrrr!!). i love dark chocolates. i like starbucks' caramel macchiato. i am a voracious reader, a frustrated writer (as you will soon find out), a good dancer. i am a bag-hag, addicted to online shopping and the finer things in life. i believe myself to be optimistic, always having a positive attitude. i can be bitter, but i can be sweet too. i easily forgive, but forgetting is another story. i have been there, i have done that.. and will do it again with the right temptation. i am generally a happy person. i laugh with all my might, and cry with all my heart. i make friends easily, but gets intimated a lot.
i lie. i cheat. i love. i hate. i am human.
i lie. i cheat. i love. i hate. i am human.
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