only after...

it is only after a busy day in the office ends..
only after i've packed my things..
only after we walk silently towards your car..
only after you hold my hand tightly..
only after our lingering kiss goodbye..
only after i see you driving away...
it is only then that i allow the sadness to settle in.
it is only when i let myself feel the emptiness of my soul.
it is only the time i let the tears fall quietly,
wishing on every drop that things were different between us.
but it's not.. and it will never be.

take me away

i am exhausted, and that is still an understatement. i need to be alone for a while and relieve myself of the stress and pressure of work, deal with my inner struggles and muster enough courage to face the consequences of my actions. i wish i could just pack my bags and leave the city for a while. go to the beach maybe, or hide somewhere, i don't care. i just need to get away. can someone take me, please?

calling you mine

i sit here in my usual spot, having my morning coffee and cigarette. i watch the people hurrying to get to work - anxious to start a day of paper-pushing. while i try to enjoy the silence and the loneliness that eventually settles in, i push aside memories of you that come every now and then. it steals a minute or two from my silent reverie, wanting me to remember.. as if remembering you can actually make you mine. well... maybe you are... in my heart, you will always be mine.

daydreaming

this morning, i pretended i was having coffee with you. i imagined you sitting across the table, sharing a moment to express our thoughts. this morning, amidst the noise of early traffic and the street that is slowly coming to life, i imagined seeing you smiling at me. i saw your hand reached out for mine, unmindful of the people around us. you told me how much you miss me, even if i am just inches away. you held my hand, your fingers intertwined with mine. this morning, i imagined we were free and we were together. i closed my eyes to savor the moment and when i opened them again, you were gone. there was no trace of you except for the dull aching i felt inside.

complicated affair

i never meant for this to happen. i never planned to let things get this far. when i entered this affair, i knew where my place was. i had kept my emotions at bay lest i forget reality. it was a game i'm supposed to know how to play. but ever since i started spending more time with him, i find myself losing control.. and so is he.

he broke our silent, mutual agreement. he opened the dam of emotions that's been building inside us that we had no choice but to let it go. everyday, he tells me he misses me when i'm away. everyday, he tells me how much he's wishing i was with him, beside him. everyday, he would go out of his way to show me how much he cares about me. when he holds my hand, i feel that he doesn't want to let me go. when he looks at me, it is with so much longing that it makes me want to forget all else just to be with him.

but i haven't forgotten.. no.. everyday, i am reminded by the ring on his finger that he has a family. everyday, i am reminded by the stories he shares about his children. and everyday, whenever we kiss each other goodbye, i am reminded that he will never be mine.

envy

an overheard telephone conversation..

"i'm still in the office.. but wait for me, ok? i'm just finishing things here.. (pause) i'm not sure how long it will take... (pause) are you sure? it's raining.. do you have an umbrella with you? (pause)......

yes, it was my engineer talking to his wife. i didn't mean to listen, but i was waiting for someone who was waiting for him to finish with his phonecall. i didn't hear the end of it though. i needed a break so i went out to have a smoke and spend some time alone. when i went back, i saw him at the lobby with his things, waiting for the elevator. we were both surprised to see each other that we didn't even talk. i received a text message from him a few minutes after. he said he had to go home to pick up his wife. i felt disappointed...

i wanted what i overheard in that conversation. no, i'm not wishing i was his wife or anything like that. i just wanted the idea of having someone caring for me and worrying about me the way he did with his wife. someone who would drop whatever he was doing so he could keep the promise he made. it's been a while since i last felt genuine concern from anyone. i sulked the rest of the night that i didn't text him back. i suddenly felt the big void that's been hovering my life for the past years. i felt empty and lonely.

the next day, i tried to treat him with nonchalance, willing myself to stay away so as not to cause myself more disappointment. but he suddenly pulled me aside and asked why i didn't text him back the night before. i came up with an acceptable excuse and he smiled with relief. he was worried and thought i was angry with him over something.

maybe there's no need for me to feel envious after all.

making things work

the fiance and i haven't been in good terms lately. i can't remember the last time we ever had a conversation without ending into an argument over something i couldn't recall after.

7 years we've been together. we separated twice and i still found myself going back to him both times. he promised me marriage on several occasions, but it seems the chances of it ever happening is nil. the longer i wait, the harder it becomes for both of us to make this work. i don't want to believe that i made a mistake... i've lived most of my life without regrets, i don't want it happening now.

we have our differences. and for some strange reason, we can't seem to come up with any compromise to make these differences unnoticable. i'm beginning to wonder if we were really meant to spend a lifetime together...

i'm running out of tears.. and he's running out of excuses.