30 years in existence.. there must be something I learned.

Monday, July 16, 2007

only after...

it is only after a busy day in the office ends..
only after i've packed my things..
only after we walk silently towards your car..
only after you hold my hand tightly..
only after our lingering kiss goodbye..
only after i see you driving away...
it is only then that i allow the sadness to settle in.
it is only when i let myself feel the emptiness of my soul.
it is only the time i let the tears fall quietly,
wishing on every drop that things were different between us.
but it's not.. and it will never be.



Thursday, July 12, 2007

take me away

i am exhausted, and that is still an understatement. i need to be alone for a while and relieve myself of the stress and pressure of work, deal with my inner struggles and muster enough courage to face the consequences of my actions. i wish i could just pack my bags and leave the city for a while. go to the beach maybe, or hide somewhere, i don't care. i just need to get away. can someone take me, please?



Wednesday, July 11, 2007

calling you mine

i sit here in my usual spot, having my morning coffee and cigarette. i watch the people hurrying to get to work - anxious to start a day of paper-pushing. while i try to enjoy the silence and the loneliness that eventually settles in, i push aside memories of you that come every now and then. it steals a minute or two from my silent reverie, wanting me to remember.. as if remembering you can actually make you mine. well... maybe you are... in my heart, you will always be mine.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

daydreaming

this morning, i pretended i was having coffee with you. i imagined you sitting across the table, sharing a moment to express our thoughts. this morning, amidst the noise of early traffic and the street that is slowly coming to life, i imagined seeing you smiling at me. i saw your hand reached out for mine, unmindful of the people around us. you told me how much you miss me, even if i am just inches away. you held my hand, your fingers intertwined with mine. this morning, i imagined we were free and we were together. i closed my eyes to savor the moment and when i opened them again, you were gone. there was no trace of you except for the dull aching i felt inside.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

complicated affair

i never meant for this to happen. i never planned to let things get this far. when i entered this affair, i knew where my place was. i had kept my emotions at bay lest i forget reality. it was a game i'm supposed to know how to play. but ever since i started spending more time with him, i find myself losing control.. and so is he.

he broke our silent, mutual agreement. he opened the dam of emotions that's been building inside us that we had no choice but to let it go. everyday, he tells me he misses me when i'm away. everyday, he tells me how much he's wishing i was with him, beside him. everyday, he would go out of his way to show me how much he cares about me. when he holds my hand, i feel that he doesn't want to let me go. when he looks at me, it is with so much longing that it makes me want to forget all else just to be with him.

but i haven't forgotten.. no.. everyday, i am reminded by the ring on his finger that he has a family. everyday, i am reminded by the stories he shares about his children. and everyday, whenever we kiss each other goodbye, i am reminded that he will never be mine.