assessment

i welcome the silence of my surroundings now, like i welcome the mornings that greet me everyday. it allows me to converse with myself.. a little soliloquy is in order.

i sit here in my neat, little corner, racking my brain just trying to make sense of it all. because for some strange reason, i am now feeling empty and lonely. always, i get to thinking that i am being short-changed by life itself, that i was meant to do something grand, something meaningful, and yet, i get stuck in the middle of somewhere. everything that is happening to me is a vicious cycle, like being caught in a revolving door - wasting my energy on pushing only to find myself at exactly the same place. ah... 30 years, and i still find myself pushing and cursing the same, damned door.

i try not to be hard on myself, though. i still find reasons to pat myself at the back and believe that i have done well, somehow. but i am running out of excuses.. sooner or later, i will have to come to terms with what i have and with what i don't. sooner or later, i will have to face my demons and own up to all the choices i have made - whether wrong or right. sooner or later, i will have to learn how to deal. and sooner or later, i will have to accept who i have become. but until that time comes, i can only wish i was someone better.